Who, The Man

Prologue

Here is a story I wish to tell, the tale of a man who has been through adversity, who has become strong, a man who is recognized by others as good. He is admired by others, his wisdom is sought out by many, and his advice is appreciated by all. This man, he is here now as you read this. He is in this story you read, and he is next to you now. He is in you, waiting, dormant. You could be him, if you choose.

There is a man universally looked up to as admirable by others, a man who acts in strength and virtue, who is not a slave to his own desires. Perhaps you will disagree with the exact articulation of what makes a man good and admirable, but it is true that there are general things which you can look for in order to determine whether someone is a good man. Strength, resilience, fortitude, leadership, capability - perhaps this man possesses these traits in blue-collar work, or these virtues show up through intellectual means, or through physical prowess, or through everyday moments you see these things shine through.

What I will do today is tell you about this man through the words of others. It is not necessary for you to align yourself to a specific one of these men, but instead I will drive you to desire to be like each of these men. For these are different men each, but at the same time this is one man you are reading about - one who has been lost to the world.

Each of us as men are different for good reason, for we are not meant to all be just the same. It is good that we are different, and yet the virtues which make a man "good" are the same. These virtues are not something which you possess - a thing which you have and you do not lose - no, they are things which you pursue and strive for. They are things which you hold onto, but can be let go of. These virtues are an active choice, a thing which you must work towards, a thing which you are unable to simply reside in.

Chapter 1: There Was No Break

This is a story of the man I wish to tell you, and his first chapter happens to be the first chapter of Grapes of Wrath. A man is no man when he tries to be a man alone. The basic qualifications for a man are two things: to be responsible for a person or a thing, and to suffer. If a man lives a life of practical solitude (though he may not be a hermit he lives life without social ties) his suffering is not for the benefit of others, and those responsibilities which could be for the good of others are only used for himself. To be a man you must have responsibilities and suffer, but these must both be in the service of others. We see such men who have lived this way in the Grapes of Wrath, for the women and children look to the men for safety and security.

The context you need to know for this story is this: the story takes place during the Great Depression, following a family from Oklahoma who were victims of the Dust Bowl which wiped out the crops of everyone, stealing their livelihoods. This first chapter is the tale everyone's reaction as they stepped out of their houses to find that they were now desolate, that their livelihoods had been stripped from them. They have a choice, to lose hope, or put on a brave face.

From the Grapes of Wrath, chapter 1:

The people came out of their houses and smelled the hot stinging air and covered their noses from it. And the children came out of the houses, but they did not run or shout as they would have done after a rain. Men stood by their fences and looked at the ruined corn, drying fast now, only a little green showing through the film of dust. The men were silent and they did not move often. And the women came out of the houses to stand beside their men - to feel whether this time the men would break. The women studied the men's faces secretly, for the corn could go, as long as something else remained. The children stood nearby drawing figures in the dust with bare toes, and the children sent exploring senses out to see whether men and women would break. The children peeked at the faces of the men and women, and then drew careful lines in the dust with their toes. Horses came to the watering troughs and nuzzled the water to clear the surface dust. After a while the faces of the watching men lost their bemused perplexity and became hard and angry and resistant. Then the women knew that they were safe and that there was no break. Then they asked, What'll we do? And the men replied, I don't know. But, it was all right. The women knew it was all right, and the watching children knew it was all right. Women and children knew deep in themselves that no misfortune was too great to bear if their men were whole. The women went into the houses to their work, and the children began to play, but cautiously at first. As the day went forward the sun became less red. It flared down on the dust-blanketed land. The men sat in the doorways of their houses; their hands were busy with sticks and little rocks. The men sat still - thinking - figuring.

There was no break. The women knew that things would be okay, because their men were unbroken, and so long as the men remained strong they knew they would be safe. This takes a long time to build up this trust, it does not come in a day's time. It takes time to prove to a good woman and to your children that you could be a firm foundation on which to build a family.

No misfortune was too great to bear if their men were whole. So long as the man does not give up, his family will be safe. So long as the man does not give up, his country will go on. So long as a man does not give up his hope and his will, the woman that loves him, trusts him, relies on him, and adores him, she will be able to go on. This is the story for all of history, that the man who does not lose hope and faith wins out in the end. For we Christians, if we "lose" because we are killed for maintaining a faith, we still "win" because Heaven is our next destination. God asks not of us to win the win the world for Him, but that we deal well with the responsibilities given to us. Bear them, and do not break, because the woman whom you love has faith in you, as do your children, as does your God.

The men sat still - thinking - figuring. Think, plan, pray. This man did not give up - and what's more, he got back to looking after his responsibilities, which is his family. He was not working with his hands just then, but using his mind to determine what he needed to do next. He did not delay in action, he did not wallow in his misfortune, he embraced his responsibilities and got to work n them.

Chapter 2: Freedom

This is not a direct quote but is an important idea which has been repeated often: "Freedom is not simply the ability to choose anything you want, it is the ability to choose what is good." If you are striving towards responsibility - something all men should be doing if you wish to lead a household and have a positive influence upon society - this is a lesson you must learn. The ability to choose evil has always been available to us, but when we become restrained by the evils which we allow to have hold over us - pornography, anger, despair - we become unable to say "no" to these things. I do not have freedom because I could choose to watch or not watch porn - no, I have freedom when I am not restrained by the shackle of that sin and can fully love a woman.

Your "yes" is only as valuable as what you can say no to, and your "no" is only as valuable as what you say yes to. "No, I can't eat that, I'm on a diet" but you consume pornography before bed each night, which is worse for you to intake? "Yeah, I'm up for that!" but you do not refuse yourself other enjoyments, other pleasures, how meaningful is your "yes" then? How much of a "yes" is your affirmation? How much of a "no" is your rejection? Do these have weight to them? The disciplined man's response is valued, because his yesses and no's are not weak. Because of this, he is not weak.

"Freedom is not that you have the opportunity to say yes to everything; true freedom is your ability to say yes to the good." The good man is a free man. This man is not free from all responsibilities - no, he is free from the vices which would prevent him from choosing what is good. To find a wife, to love a wife, to love God, you must not be ensnared by distractions in order to give your heart to these. Pornography, alcoholism, materialism, laziness, sheer ambition, these each tie your heart down and prevent you from rising to the occasion that a wife, that our God, asks of you.

Chapter 3: "Who's Car We Gonna Take?"

When you watch a lot of movies you will come across scenes which cement themselves in your memory forever. Over the years, as I've grown, the moments in which I see "The Man" appear, this one I have been speaking to you about. There are many which could be brought up, but for our conversation right now I wish to review The Town (2010) with you.

The context scene is only important to a small degree, so I will explain it briefly. Ben Affleck's character is a criminal, a bank robber, and Jeremy Renner's character is his lifelong friend and brother by bond who does jobs alongside him. Affleck's character falls in love with a woman in the film, and this woman is at one point terrorized by some other local criminals, and he won't put up with that. He returns back to the house and seeks the help of the man that he would do anything for, and who would do anything for him, his brother by choice. This very short clip is of him just after he walks into the house.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SO8RuIu4FuY

Who is "the man" we've been speaking about in this scene? Both of these men. Yes, they are going to do things which they shouldn't - but that is not the point here. One man is upset because the woman he loves was threatened, and he is right to be upset. The other man has a blind loyalty to the one he calls his brother because of the trust built up between them, and he is right to be this way.

Right after the clip which you watched ends we see the two of them in their car on the way to hurt these other men. Renner's character asks no questions, needs no explanation, he just follows his friend and prepares himself for whatever is required of him. The blind trust of a criminal, yes, but do you see the virtue in his attitude? Imagine two virtuous men having the friendship and bond which these two possess, and imagine the good that could come from them.

The second man asks no questions, he needs no explanation, he simply needs to help the man he calls his brother. Think of David and Jonathan in the Bible, these men were just the same in their loyalty towards each other. "I need your help" - no questions asked, I'll be there. The man you choose to be your brother, if you choose him well, you will not need to ask questions. Jonathan did not hesitate to betray his father in favor of his good friend David - because his father was choosing evil, and David chose to be good. David never feared that his thoughts and plans which he shared with Jonathan would be shared with Saul because their loyalty was undying, their brotherhood unshakable.

The real virtues being displayed here are trust, and loyalty; trust that your friend will help you when you are in need, and if your friend is in need that he trusts that you can help him; and loyalty, commitment to each other no matter the circumstance. Loyalty does not mean blind trust, it does not mean you overlook all of the flaws of your brother, it does mean calling him to a higher standard whenever the time is right. But, to be the true brother to another man you must be able to rely on him in any way.

Chapter 4: Who is "The Man"?

We should speak about who this man is, and we will do that by describing him. What we have uncovered so far is that he is resilient, he is not a slave to anything, and he is loyal. Who would not desire this man at their side? Imagine a woman looking for a husband, do you think she would find these characteristics attractive in such a man? If they are directed in her favor - he is not broken easily and so can be relied upon, he has no addictions or vices to draw him away from her, and his commitment is to her before anyone else - show me a woman who would be repulsed by such a man and I will show you a woman who does not know what a good man is.

This man is old, he is not a new traveler down the road of life. He has been tried, he has been tested, and he has lived through many experiences. He is not green, a young buck, he has had time to learn all the lessons which he now carries on his back. And while he knows that he posses wisdom, he never assumes he has more than another and seeks out the wisdom, the knowledge, the experiences of others. He is a man who has grown much, and he continues to grow.

This man does not live life easily, he chooses the road less traveled - which means this road is overgrown, it is uneven, it is perilous at times, and you are not sure where the next few steps will lead you. His life is not defined by discomfort, but neither would someone describe this man as "settled". He knows when to celebrate, when to have fun, and he knows when to leave his friends to speak to the person standing alone. He is familiar with leisure, and an expert in discipline.

The man is a friend. He is loyal, caring, thoughtful, kind. His friends long for him when he is gone, and dread him as their opponent. He is a friend even to those he hates, he welcomes opposition from others, he strengthens himself through being surrounded by men of good character with whom he disagrees. And next to these men whom he battles with are the ones which call him to greater virtue. He invests in them as well, he dedicates his time to be with them, he makes them a priority in his life because they deserve to be so. He does this because he knows that to care about someone is to spend time with them.

Chapter 5: Who Are You?

Now I ask the difficult question, which I will make brief. Who are you? Have I, in these "chapters" described you, or described the man you wish to be? In your life you are either a good man or striving to become a good man, in in my book those are both the same thing - or you are nonchalant towards virtuosity and are not actively striving towards the removal of distractions from your life and replacing them with good things. You are this man, or you are not him.

I would like to reemphasize what I said a moment ago, that you are either a good man or striving to be a good one, and these are the same thing. It is a paradoxical idea in many ways to be a "good man". To declare yourself good is often to declare yourself egotistical. To be the good man is to be something which you cannot see, because you are focused on acting well with the virtues you have in service of others while minimizing your shortcomings. You will not see that you are a good man, but others will. The men I look up to in life always struggled with the thought that they were not doing enough to love their wives, to care for their children, to seek out God. These men were, in a way, insecure in their "goodness", but they still strive each day to come nearer to it.

This is my message to you, in closing, that you can be a good man. You can be "the man" which others look up to, but you must be humble, and you must be striving for goodness. That man, ultimately, is Christ, He is our example. We will find examples all around us which look to be virtuous men, and we should emulate them, but always in the path of Christ. In the end, it does not matter what your mother, your brother, your friend, or anyone else says about you, because if our Lord says that you are a good man then nothing else matters.

Written for VME Catholic, by Ethan Hall