The Mistake of the Mirror

We have a problem today of self-gazing. Selfies, social media updating, the latest in fashion trends, the most recent social trends, now we spend so much time focused on our outward appearances, our reputation, what others think of us and we forget how little these things actually matter. We are focused on ourselves, missing that we should think of ourselves less than we do. It's been said that humility is not thinking less of yourself, it is thinking of yourself less.

The inspiration for this article comes from a man by the name Fernando Pessoa. He speaks exactly to this issue a time long before today where we are carrying around what are basically mirrors in our pockets every day. Here is what he had to say on the matter of the mirror.

“Man shouldn’t be able to see his own face – there’s nothing more sinister. Nature gave him the gift of not being able to see it, and of not being able to stare into his own eyes. Only in the water of rivers and ponds could he look at his face. And the very posture he had to assume was symbolic. He had to bend over, stoop down, to commit the ignominy of beholding himself. The inventor of the mirror poisoned the human heart.”

With what I am going to say next I hope you do not think of me as a drunkard, but it illustrates a point. When I get buzzed from an alcoholic drink and I head to the bathroom and I see myself in the mirror I don't recognize myself immediately. This is not because I am a heavy drinker, as this happens even without drinking, but it happens more often when I've gotten a little buzzed. And it is not as if I am a stranger in the reflection but rather the "me" staring back is unfamiliar, someone who does not fit the self-constructed image I've created. I am older, I have more hair, and I'm taller than I recall myself being. The man staring back in the mirror is not who I recall myself being.

There is this natural inclination within most people that you should not stare at your reflection too long. For one, it is not natural because we as a species of people for so long barely knew what we looked like as an individual, and for another, we were not made for this. Simply put, this is unnatural.

I am not advocating for the destruction of all mirrors in your house, that's just a bandage on the infected wound of our self-crisis today - and besides, the mirror is not evil, it is simply a reflection of light, it is what we do with such a thing that makes it right or wrong. The mirror is not what is wrong with us today. It is our obsession with our own selves, and all the ways which we have found to feed that obsession.

Really, this is not an article on mirrors, but on naval gazing, of ego, of being too absorbed in oneself. In reading this I wish you to reflect on how you reflect on yourself. I do not wish for you to think of yourself more, since that is part of the very issue I am speaking of now, but instead I ask for you to ponder on the way you approach self-thought, contemplation of yourself. If "I am the worst, I am a reprobate" is how you approach yourself, then you are dwelling too much on your flaws - notice the emphasis there, not on the flaws but on yourself. I am not telling you to focus on the flaws of others, but to simply stop thinking about yourself so much. And it applies to the other end of things, if "I am wonderful" is how you approach yourself then you are too focused on your virtue. Step away from yourself. Instead, say "I am a child of God." The focus is not on who you are in your own sight, but who you are in the sight of the Father.

The last adversary every man must contend with is the one he encounters in the mirror each day, and I am not yet reconciled with him, and it is likely that neither are you. You may view yourself in a way that is too lowly or too exalted, but the fact is that you are skewed in what you see. That is why I mentioned the times I don't recognize myself when buzzed, because the barriers I normally keep up are pulled down and I realize I do not know myself as I thought I did. There are few things you can be certain of in this life, and one of them is that your perception of yourself is askew. On the occasions where I have a few drinks I am reminded of how little of myself I truly know.

Reflect with me for a moment on Narcissus, from which we get the term narcissist. As the tale goes, Narcissus was so enamored with his own beauty and perfection, and he thought that he was the most perfect and wonderful thing that existed. Narcissus spent all his time at this deep, still pool where the water was still and he could gaze at himself and his form. Who better to gaze at his perfection than his perfect self? One day he was so lost and felt so drawn to himself that he leaned down near the water's edge to get as close to his own perfection as he could, then he slipped on the bank and fell into the pool where he drowned.

Do we not do the same thing so often? How frequently we try to fashion our social media to reflect the image of ourselves we wish were real, or arrange our home in an attempt to fool guests that we are truly saintly people, or sculpt our bodies through exercise or diet so that we look how we are "supposed" to look. We think about ourselves too much. In these actions, and in others, we choose to cover ourselves in different circumstances or in false pretenses - for what? To keep another from truly getting to know who we are? There is nothing wrong with fashioning ourselves into something better - but these are externals we use to fashion the perception of others rather than to reform ourselves. How far will we go to lie to others? How far will we go to lie to ourselves? We focus so much on ourselves that we eventually fall into the pool and drown in the image of our own face.

I will not offer solutions in this article necessarily. I do not have a resolution to this, except that we should be thinking about ourselves less often than we are now. This constant self-reflection is a form of narcissism - different from having a high opinion of oneself as is typically associated with the word, rather we have such egos today to think that we are worthy of constant self-reflection. In truth, we need to get over ourselves and get on with our lives and our duties.

In truth - and there could be nuance added to this that I will not put in the effort to make here - you are not who you say your are, you are who others say you are. Not just anyone, because it would then merit the cultivation of this false image you put forth on social media and at church and at the workplace. No, you are who those who truly love you say that you are. If you have a wife that truly loves you and seeks out virtue, and she says you are a good man, then you should believe her. Once your children grow into adults, if they are virtuous individuals and they unanimously speak about your flaws or virtues then you should believe them.

If someone is close to you but does not love you then obviously they have no right to declare who you are. Take the three men renamed by God in Scripture, God declared what they are in these moments. Abram to Abraham, because he is the father of nations. Jacob to Israel, because he wrestled with God, and this came to define his descendants. Simon to Peter, because he was the rock upon which God's Church would be built upon. God loves each of us passionately, and He has the right to define us. And so it goes for when those who care for your wellbeing exercise this same privilege over you. When the woman whom you love and loves you in return tells you that you are good, she has this power to declare it over you because of your relationship. Justify to me why you have the right to reject this good she is speaking over you.

Refusing this gift from another is you forming yourself into a god of your own making. When you are told you are good by someone who truly knows you, you do a disservice to them and to yourself by rejecting what they speak to you. What if the man once known as Simon had rejected what the Lord said and instead said "I'm not good enough, you don't know, so I refuse this declaration from you" and remained as Simon? What a scandal. Peter would have then changed his name back to Simon, making himself a god. When you seek validation through certain clothes, certain activities, and presenting yourself a certain way in public, privately, and on the internet, you make yourself a god by saying "I will make myself in my own image". What blasphemy.

You cannot bestow a name upon yourself, just as you cannot baptize yourself. You require a parent to name you when you are born, and you require someone who loves you to name your virtues when you are grown. Stop seeking validation out there, stop gazing upon yourself and trying to shape yourself into what you think is right, do not look into the mirror. Stoop down to your lowly station, if you must look upon yourself look into the pool, and allow the ones you love who stand about you speak over you who you truly are.

Written for VME Catholic, by Ethan Hall